This is the start of a story i am writing called mirrors. i am basing it off of my life, my dreams, and a little imagination. i hope you enjoy it!
Tonight was weird, i have a really amazing friend that is very understanding and he supports me alot. I really trust him and i dont trust easliy.anyways he is visiting me here and we were sleeping and i dont know if i was sleep walking or what. but all of a sudden i was outside walking in the wooded area behind the house and i started hearing one of my more familiar creatures and i got really scared and then i heard him call my name and he was behind me a bit and he was looking away from me. i ran up to him and reached for his arm and he turned around and it looked just like him but he had the yellow eyes like the one from the mirror and i started screaming and started running back to the house. he woke up when he heard me scream and he tried to grab me and i thought it was the one from the woods, then he grabbed me and i saw that it was the real him and i started crying and throwing up. this wasnt a dream this really happened and it has never happened before. i dont know why it happened, he would never hurt me.
I feel crowded , like I'm in a room full of people and they are all staring at me, like i've done something wrong. I just want to get away from everybody i want them to stop staring at me with their judgmental stares, nobody's there. i feel dirty, there's something wrong with me and i cant get rid of it. i don't want to go outside, because i don't want people to know where i am. i just want to be alone but i am alone. i feel so empty and useless. i just everyone to leave me alone i dont people to care. i will just hurt the people who care or they will leave me and i will only hurt myself more. why do i like to hurt myself, why does it feel right, i deserve it. i don't want friends, i don;t want people to want to know me, i don't want anyone to get to know me. i dont want to exist i just want slowly and painfully disappear into oblivion. i feel guilty when people care for me. i feel like a burden, i feel pity for the people who do know me. i just want to sink back into my little hole. my room is really crowded, it gets smaller and smaller everytime i blink, i gets more and more painful with every breath i take. i can't move, i feel like something thing is holding in one place. why dont i want to be happy, i dont feel comfortable being happy or enjoying the moment. i get uglier and uglier everytime i look at myself. i dont see myself anymore, all i see is a hollow creation like a locust shell. i dont deserve to be happy. look what i have done with my life i had great opportunities and i threw it away because i am stupid. i ate today, i dont know why i thought i deserved it, i didnt. it doesnt feel right in my body. there are better people in the world that deserve the food more thatn i do it. i feel sick my body doesnt like the food. i cant even force myself to get rid of it on my own i have to use medicine. i dont feel like i can do anything right, the only thing i do that makes me feel like i am doing something right is when i cut, it gives me a purpose and i deserve it. i odnt know why it just feels right to feel the blood leave my body. its so refreshing to watch the puddle of blood on the floor get bigger. i accomplished something, i did it right. my skin is getting tougher, i gets harder to be successful with a single cut. i just want to bleed. im starting to fail. im losing my one thing that im good at. i dont understand why evereything is closing in around me. everybody is staring at me but nobody is there. i cant sleep, they watch me from the mirrors. when i start to dose off they come out of the mirror and start moving around the room. i cant get away from the one with the yellow eyes i see it everywhere i go, it reminds me of all the things i dont want to remember, it wants me to get high but i want to be sober. it tells me what a bad person i am and what a failure. it tells me i should just kill myself and be done with. do something right and let the people in my life move on from the burden of my presence and be happy. im dead weight i hold everyone down. everything reminds me of when i was high. i just want one hit. i just want to escape for a second, i want that sensation. i want to feel it burn. i just want it. these thoughts wont go away. i dont know if i can do this. im so desperate. god i hate myself, i hate myself. why cant i get my thoughts straight.i just want something, anything, something. the more a stay sober, the more i want that ultimate high, feeling the life drain my body. i just want to feel it. i just want to know. i want to stop punishing myself. would you believe my psychiatrist told me that the creature with the yellow eyes is in fact me.
it doesnt go away, it only gets worse. never have i longed for a longer day. i hate the endless nights and what lurks in it. i havent been outside for three days, i can't. i know its there, i can feel it staring and at times its so unbearable i only want to fade away. i can't get away from them, theyre everywhere. inside and out. im trapped in my subconscious hell. i'm supposed to tell myself it's not real and it will go away. it never goes away. I havent slept in about a week, i dosed off last night, but not for long. i woke to the feeling of warm air on my face, it was out of the mirror and i didnt see it's face but i saw its eyes and that was all i needed to see. im losing sense of everything, i cant stand it. life is a double edged sword, there's no need to make decisions anymore. everything goes the way they want it to go. i sit here trapped, scrunched in the corner of my bed against my wall. im terrified i cant get away, its moving around on the floor, i can see its shadow and hear it as it brushes against the table. every time i gets closer and closer to me, i feel my chest tighten and i cant breath. it's not moving anymore, i cant hear anything. but i know it's not gone, it wants me to look over the bed to see where it is. its done this before. so for now i willl just sit here and wait. im on my laptop trying to distract myself from it, failing miserably because theres the one on the wall, but its always there in the same spot but tonight it moved its arm which concerns me. I hear that distinct sound that makes the entire world stop for me. it is starting to climb up the frame of my bed and i can feel it as it tugs the comforter with each movement. i cant run and i cant hide. i have walked myself into the trap it wanted me to be in.
i'm frozen, i am stuck in its amber glare as it perches over my bed. i can feel its hot breath on my face, i know there are more of them in the background i can hear them. but i cant move my stare from it . im almost hypnotized by it. its eyes are like crystal balls, all i see are the bad memories from my past and it hurts so bad. i have no control over myself, tears are running down my face. am i crying? i dont feel like im crying! what is going on, i feel really weird and fuzzy like im going to... what is going on?, where are they? I am alone, this is the first time i have been alone in weeks. something is wrong though. i can feel it and its too quiet. I said @#%$ it as i grab a bottle of water from the fridge and light up a cigarette. ive come to the conclusion that if im going to die,well im gonna die!
As i finish up my cigarette, i decide to go for a walk to get some fresh air. I'm a little unsure, im not sure if it or they are own there lurking, waiting for me. I am going with my "@#%$ it" theory and i open the door. It has seemed like such a long time since i have been outside. It all seems kinda foreign and unfamiliar. As I am walking, i get this strange feeling. not like im being watched, a differnt kind of strange. I try not to dwell on it and i keep on walking. im not sure what time it is, it is either earlier morning or late in the afternoon when the sun is starting to go down. It is obvoius that weill be raining shortly, i feel it as the cool wind touches my skin. The weather is is strange, so you learn to understand the wind. I am going with the idea that it is early morning, there are no dogs or runners, just me. I dont understand why i love this place so much, its surrounded by woods and im terrified of the woods.yet, even with the fear im so intriguied by them and i want to explore them. I see the lake down the path a bit and it seems like a nice place to stop and relax. i make it to the sand bar and put my jacket on the ground and i sit. as i light up another cigarette, im relieved to see a family of ducks on the other side of the lake. in the back of my head, i thought maybe i was having one of those dreams where i was the only person left on Earth. i just sit back and think about good things, like my dog and family. I have always isolated myself from them, i always isolate myself, its my nature. something catches my eye in the water. it looks like a daring fish is be adventurous and looking the forbidden side of its world, where the only thing that waits for it on this side is captivity and/or death. i wonder what it is like to be a fish, i think underwater is by far the most mysterious place. No one will ever truly know everything that lies beneath abd that is beautiful. the thought of being somewhere just living day to day life my way, my rules without having to worry about anyone finding me. i told you isolation is in my nature. i snap out of my fantasy of being a fish when i get that, unfortunately, familiar feeling. i want to ignore it and go back to being a fish but i get this nasty voice in my head, saying over and over again, "you know you want to,just go over there. i keep telling the voice no, continuing to get angry and start yelling, which scared the runner that was on the path behind me. Then i stand up, not because i wanted to, i had to. I walk over to the water and i look down, i dont see myself or the creature. i see david, david was my only "real" friend when i was growing up. as far as imaginary friends went, i was a social butterfly. David committed suicide when i was 15, i tried to join him a couple days later to no avail. I see David fairly often, which is kinda comforting, i know he really loved me, but he had problems that he couldnt over come.i miss him terribly, the thing that hurts the most is that when i do see him, he is so unhappy. I remember that day like it was yesterday, mainly because it plays over and over in my head constantly. His stepfather had been being an @#%$ alot lately and david had been coming to school with more and more bruises. He started to talk less and less, he wasnt the same person anymore. he had become so numb and cold, it felt like a cold knife when i came in eye contact with him. He hadnt been to school in 4 days. I decided i needed to go over to his house, i didnt want to go because sometimes his stepfather had hit me as well. That is why we got along so well, we had the same lives and neither of us had an escape but each other. I walked up to the front door and knocked, nobody answereed so i opened the door slowly. i walked inside, his stepfather was passed out on the couch, beer cans everywhere, as always. As i start to walk towards David door there was that feeling again. I look up and there it was in its full glory and its big amber eyes, it looked different. i wasnt scared, when i looked closer i realized it was sad, ive never seen that before. It looked at me, then it looked over at the closet door and looked back at me. i knew i needed to open it, i knew what was there, i didnt want to but i had too. before i even opened the door completely, the first thing i saw was his legs right in front of me. I opened the door completely, there he was, hanging, completely lifeless. it was obvious that he hadnt been there long, he was still warm. as i stood there trying to keep calm, i noticed the piece of paper in his hand with my name on it. I took the paper from his hand and start to open it. One of the ducklings has wandered over to this side of the lake and i snapped back into reality when it went past me. it's kinda funny of all the things i see the one that startled me the most was a little yellow duck. David was gone and so was the feeling, so i sat back down and started to light another cigarette. i stopped because i had that heavy, " ive smoked too much" feeling in my lungs, then i lit my cigarette and just started thinking about how beautiful this place was and how david would have loved it. i wonder how things would have been if he hadnt hung himself. as i start to wipe the tear from my eye and put my cigarette out. i felt it behind me, staring at me, not that sad stare, that other stare. as i turn around its not there. immediately i knew i just led myself into its trap again, because i feel it breathing on my neck. i turned around and...
it's dark and i cant move. everything is different, no lake, no path,no duck.all this was replaced by old trees and the smell of decaying carcasses, and an occassional warm breeze. This is not the wind, it's the breeze you feel when someone runs past you. i am able to move my head and i discover that i am tied to the tree. i hear laughter that sends chills up my spine and it hurts, it is coming from above me. i know what it is, but by human nature i look up and it old amber eyes again. It is crawling down towards me. at the same time i feel something sharp slide across my legs and i feel the blood running down onto my feet. i want to look down but i dont want to let it out of my sight. Then my body goes cold, i look down out of shock. i have 5 huge cuts going down my abdomen and i see it staring at me. not amber eyes, this is the one that perches over my bed on occassion that i awaken to it gripping my throat. i see on one of its hands it has blood dripping on the ground. it did this to me, i cant pull myself away from staring at it. all of a sudden, my vision is now focused on the amber eyes that are face to face to me. all i hear around me is laughter, it sounds like im in a stadium and everyone is laughing at me. it is so loud it is hurting my ears, then the laughing stops and i feel a sharp pain in my chest, i look down to see it's hand has torn into my chest cavity and it is squeezing my heart, the pain isnt as bad as l thought it would be. its the horror of knowing in the nexy few seconds my life will be over. im getting lightheaded and the last thing i hear is "you lose"
What's going on? I say to myself as i become more aware of my surroundings. im being carried out of the water by a man. Im having a hard time breathing and i feel exhausted. He sits me down on a towel and wraps me in a blanket. People are surrounding me, with looks of concern. im so scared i start to cry, i asked what happened. the guy, who i discover to be the lifeguard, said that i went to far out in the water and i almost drowned. How did i get here? The the lifeguard aked me a question that just put me in my grave of confusion even deeper. Honey, where are your parents?
Tonight was weird, i have a really amazing friend that is very understanding and he supports me alot. I really trust him and i dont trust easliy.anyways he is visiting me here and we were sleeping and i dont know if i was sleep walking or what. but all of a sudden i was outside walking in the wooded area behind the house and i started hearing one of my more familiar creatures and i got really scared and then i heard him call my name and he was behind me a bit and he was looking away from me. i ran up to him and reached for his arm and he turned around and it looked just like him but he had the yellow eyes like the one from the mirror and i started screaming and started running back to the house. he woke up when he heard me scream and he tried to grab me and i thought it was the one from the woods, then he grabbed me and i saw that it was the real him and i started crying and throwing up. this wasnt a dream this really happened and it has never happened before. i dont know why it happened, he would never hurt me.
I feel crowded , like I'm in a room full of people and they are all staring at me, like i've done something wrong. I just want to get away from everybody i want them to stop staring at me with their judgmental stares, nobody's there. i feel dirty, there's something wrong with me and i cant get rid of it. i don't want to go outside, because i don't want people to know where i am. i just want to be alone but i am alone. i feel so empty and useless. i just everyone to leave me alone i dont people to care. i will just hurt the people who care or they will leave me and i will only hurt myself more. why do i like to hurt myself, why does it feel right, i deserve it. i don't want friends, i don;t want people to want to know me, i don't want anyone to get to know me. i dont want to exist i just want slowly and painfully disappear into oblivion. i feel guilty when people care for me. i feel like a burden, i feel pity for the people who do know me. i just want to sink back into my little hole. my room is really crowded, it gets smaller and smaller everytime i blink, i gets more and more painful with every breath i take. i can't move, i feel like something thing is holding in one place. why dont i want to be happy, i dont feel comfortable being happy or enjoying the moment. i get uglier and uglier everytime i look at myself. i dont see myself anymore, all i see is a hollow creation like a locust shell. i dont deserve to be happy. look what i have done with my life i had great opportunities and i threw it away because i am stupid. i ate today, i dont know why i thought i deserved it, i didnt. it doesnt feel right in my body. there are better people in the world that deserve the food more thatn i do it. i feel sick my body doesnt like the food. i cant even force myself to get rid of it on my own i have to use medicine. i dont feel like i can do anything right, the only thing i do that makes me feel like i am doing something right is when i cut, it gives me a purpose and i deserve it. i odnt know why it just feels right to feel the blood leave my body. its so refreshing to watch the puddle of blood on the floor get bigger. i accomplished something, i did it right. my skin is getting tougher, i gets harder to be successful with a single cut. i just want to bleed. im starting to fail. im losing my one thing that im good at. i dont understand why evereything is closing in around me. everybody is staring at me but nobody is there. i cant sleep, they watch me from the mirrors. when i start to dose off they come out of the mirror and start moving around the room. i cant get away from the one with the yellow eyes i see it everywhere i go, it reminds me of all the things i dont want to remember, it wants me to get high but i want to be sober. it tells me what a bad person i am and what a failure. it tells me i should just kill myself and be done with. do something right and let the people in my life move on from the burden of my presence and be happy. im dead weight i hold everyone down. everything reminds me of when i was high. i just want one hit. i just want to escape for a second, i want that sensation. i want to feel it burn. i just want it. these thoughts wont go away. i dont know if i can do this. im so desperate. god i hate myself, i hate myself. why cant i get my thoughts straight.i just want something, anything, something. the more a stay sober, the more i want that ultimate high, feeling the life drain my body. i just want to feel it. i just want to know. i want to stop punishing myself. would you believe my psychiatrist told me that the creature with the yellow eyes is in fact me.
it doesnt go away, it only gets worse. never have i longed for a longer day. i hate the endless nights and what lurks in it. i havent been outside for three days, i can't. i know its there, i can feel it staring and at times its so unbearable i only want to fade away. i can't get away from them, theyre everywhere. inside and out. im trapped in my subconscious hell. i'm supposed to tell myself it's not real and it will go away. it never goes away. I havent slept in about a week, i dosed off last night, but not for long. i woke to the feeling of warm air on my face, it was out of the mirror and i didnt see it's face but i saw its eyes and that was all i needed to see. im losing sense of everything, i cant stand it. life is a double edged sword, there's no need to make decisions anymore. everything goes the way they want it to go. i sit here trapped, scrunched in the corner of my bed against my wall. im terrified i cant get away, its moving around on the floor, i can see its shadow and hear it as it brushes against the table. every time i gets closer and closer to me, i feel my chest tighten and i cant breath. it's not moving anymore, i cant hear anything. but i know it's not gone, it wants me to look over the bed to see where it is. its done this before. so for now i willl just sit here and wait. im on my laptop trying to distract myself from it, failing miserably because theres the one on the wall, but its always there in the same spot but tonight it moved its arm which concerns me. I hear that distinct sound that makes the entire world stop for me. it is starting to climb up the frame of my bed and i can feel it as it tugs the comforter with each movement. i cant run and i cant hide. i have walked myself into the trap it wanted me to be in.
i'm frozen, i am stuck in its amber glare as it perches over my bed. i can feel its hot breath on my face, i know there are more of them in the background i can hear them. but i cant move my stare from it . im almost hypnotized by it. its eyes are like crystal balls, all i see are the bad memories from my past and it hurts so bad. i have no control over myself, tears are running down my face. am i crying? i dont feel like im crying! what is going on, i feel really weird and fuzzy like im going to... what is going on?, where are they? I am alone, this is the first time i have been alone in weeks. something is wrong though. i can feel it and its too quiet. I said @#%$ it as i grab a bottle of water from the fridge and light up a cigarette. ive come to the conclusion that if im going to die,well im gonna die!
As i finish up my cigarette, i decide to go for a walk to get some fresh air. I'm a little unsure, im not sure if it or they are own there lurking, waiting for me. I am going with my "@#%$ it" theory and i open the door. It has seemed like such a long time since i have been outside. It all seems kinda foreign and unfamiliar. As I am walking, i get this strange feeling. not like im being watched, a differnt kind of strange. I try not to dwell on it and i keep on walking. im not sure what time it is, it is either earlier morning or late in the afternoon when the sun is starting to go down. It is obvoius that weill be raining shortly, i feel it as the cool wind touches my skin. The weather is is strange, so you learn to understand the wind. I am going with the idea that it is early morning, there are no dogs or runners, just me. I dont understand why i love this place so much, its surrounded by woods and im terrified of the woods.yet, even with the fear im so intriguied by them and i want to explore them. I see the lake down the path a bit and it seems like a nice place to stop and relax. i make it to the sand bar and put my jacket on the ground and i sit. as i light up another cigarette, im relieved to see a family of ducks on the other side of the lake. in the back of my head, i thought maybe i was having one of those dreams where i was the only person left on Earth. i just sit back and think about good things, like my dog and family. I have always isolated myself from them, i always isolate myself, its my nature. something catches my eye in the water. it looks like a daring fish is be adventurous and looking the forbidden side of its world, where the only thing that waits for it on this side is captivity and/or death. i wonder what it is like to be a fish, i think underwater is by far the most mysterious place. No one will ever truly know everything that lies beneath abd that is beautiful. the thought of being somewhere just living day to day life my way, my rules without having to worry about anyone finding me. i told you isolation is in my nature. i snap out of my fantasy of being a fish when i get that, unfortunately, familiar feeling. i want to ignore it and go back to being a fish but i get this nasty voice in my head, saying over and over again, "you know you want to,just go over there. i keep telling the voice no, continuing to get angry and start yelling, which scared the runner that was on the path behind me. Then i stand up, not because i wanted to, i had to. I walk over to the water and i look down, i dont see myself or the creature. i see david, david was my only "real" friend when i was growing up. as far as imaginary friends went, i was a social butterfly. David committed suicide when i was 15, i tried to join him a couple days later to no avail. I see David fairly often, which is kinda comforting, i know he really loved me, but he had problems that he couldnt over come.i miss him terribly, the thing that hurts the most is that when i do see him, he is so unhappy. I remember that day like it was yesterday, mainly because it plays over and over in my head constantly. His stepfather had been being an @#%$ alot lately and david had been coming to school with more and more bruises. He started to talk less and less, he wasnt the same person anymore. he had become so numb and cold, it felt like a cold knife when i came in eye contact with him. He hadnt been to school in 4 days. I decided i needed to go over to his house, i didnt want to go because sometimes his stepfather had hit me as well. That is why we got along so well, we had the same lives and neither of us had an escape but each other. I walked up to the front door and knocked, nobody answereed so i opened the door slowly. i walked inside, his stepfather was passed out on the couch, beer cans everywhere, as always. As i start to walk towards David door there was that feeling again. I look up and there it was in its full glory and its big amber eyes, it looked different. i wasnt scared, when i looked closer i realized it was sad, ive never seen that before. It looked at me, then it looked over at the closet door and looked back at me. i knew i needed to open it, i knew what was there, i didnt want to but i had too. before i even opened the door completely, the first thing i saw was his legs right in front of me. I opened the door completely, there he was, hanging, completely lifeless. it was obvious that he hadnt been there long, he was still warm. as i stood there trying to keep calm, i noticed the piece of paper in his hand with my name on it. I took the paper from his hand and start to open it. One of the ducklings has wandered over to this side of the lake and i snapped back into reality when it went past me. it's kinda funny of all the things i see the one that startled me the most was a little yellow duck. David was gone and so was the feeling, so i sat back down and started to light another cigarette. i stopped because i had that heavy, " ive smoked too much" feeling in my lungs, then i lit my cigarette and just started thinking about how beautiful this place was and how david would have loved it. i wonder how things would have been if he hadnt hung himself. as i start to wipe the tear from my eye and put my cigarette out. i felt it behind me, staring at me, not that sad stare, that other stare. as i turn around its not there. immediately i knew i just led myself into its trap again, because i feel it breathing on my neck. i turned around and...
it's dark and i cant move. everything is different, no lake, no path,no duck.all this was replaced by old trees and the smell of decaying carcasses, and an occassional warm breeze. This is not the wind, it's the breeze you feel when someone runs past you. i am able to move my head and i discover that i am tied to the tree. i hear laughter that sends chills up my spine and it hurts, it is coming from above me. i know what it is, but by human nature i look up and it old amber eyes again. It is crawling down towards me. at the same time i feel something sharp slide across my legs and i feel the blood running down onto my feet. i want to look down but i dont want to let it out of my sight. Then my body goes cold, i look down out of shock. i have 5 huge cuts going down my abdomen and i see it staring at me. not amber eyes, this is the one that perches over my bed on occassion that i awaken to it gripping my throat. i see on one of its hands it has blood dripping on the ground. it did this to me, i cant pull myself away from staring at it. all of a sudden, my vision is now focused on the amber eyes that are face to face to me. all i hear around me is laughter, it sounds like im in a stadium and everyone is laughing at me. it is so loud it is hurting my ears, then the laughing stops and i feel a sharp pain in my chest, i look down to see it's hand has torn into my chest cavity and it is squeezing my heart, the pain isnt as bad as l thought it would be. its the horror of knowing in the nexy few seconds my life will be over. im getting lightheaded and the last thing i hear is "you lose"
What's going on? I say to myself as i become more aware of my surroundings. im being carried out of the water by a man. Im having a hard time breathing and i feel exhausted. He sits me down on a towel and wraps me in a blanket. People are surrounding me, with looks of concern. im so scared i start to cry, i asked what happened. the guy, who i discover to be the lifeguard, said that i went to far out in the water and i almost drowned. How did i get here? The the lifeguard aked me a question that just put me in my grave of confusion even deeper. Honey, where are your parents?
